{"id":78,"date":"2004-05-16T00:00:06","date_gmt":"2004-05-16T08:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.deepsicks.com\/blog\/?p=78"},"modified":"2022-03-03T20:22:37","modified_gmt":"2022-03-04T02:22:37","slug":"not-safe-for-humans","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/2004\/05\/16\/not-safe-for-humans\/","title":{"rendered":"not safe for humans"},"content":{"rendered":"

i swore i wouldn’t watch it. the moment i heard it happened, i swore i didn’t want to see. it was linked from a friend’s site. “not safe for work, life, humans” is all it said, and curiosity clicked. when the media player stalled at the opening, i knew immediately this is it<\/em> but only accidentally, i can still stop my ceasing, i can.<\/em> …but i didn’t. and once it started, i couldn’t stop.<\/p>\n

i am no longer the child who should be protected from this horror head-holding<\/i> why have you done this up to the camera<\/i> we’re all witnesses now, in the know and in the now, amateur citizens armed with the methodologies of making history < clipboard voter registrations at grocery stores, door to doors > as digital cameras serve up flat-screen monitored screams.<\/p>\n

alone in my bedroom in the dark, i watched the future of terror, of making demands and changing minds from the lens of the enemy. the evil. the haters of my way of life, high-speed connected to informing the worst is yet to come.<\/p>\n

the american sits like a buddha. the five behind him pose like suspects, lined up shifting weight and adjusting their weapons. riveted through the cage of my hands, quaking at the language i didn’t understand, when you know what happens even if you haven’t seen it, you think you can change it. erase it. maybe this time, things will be different. maybe this time it’ll be as they told him list their names for identification, look serene but not too drugged. hostilage. you’re going home when they see this. they will want you back for sure.<\/i><\/p>\n

i can’t imagine they didn’t lie. that if they’d told him he was about to die, he’d sit at the feet of god and time without fear, no matter the poor resolution that makes the dark shapes look sinister and alien\u2014the scariest dream with the perfect othering\u2014the strangest goddamn thing you’ve seen since the man on the box with the hood and the wires bowed before the world.<\/p>\n

disconnected from the sound, the video lagged by three or four seconds, so when he started to scream, he remained motionless. the captors stood still. and for a moment i thought i succeeded. my witnessing saved him. at least and praised be ’cause i knew i couldn’t handle it, i was saved from it, an edited version still-framed with only the audio to suggest this is horrible. this murder is really happening this is prophecy<\/i> and maybe i’m responsible. the american is my brother as i pointed and laughed, smiled and held the leash.<\/p>\n

everything caught up, though, fell into motion, i shrieking at the slaying, turning away and it took so long. it took so fucking long, and with the lifeless face before me the video paused too many downloads, video buffering<\/i> and i cried to have to look enough to kill the application. covering my eyes i bawled for twenty minutes and shook another ten. cold awareness realized, i don’t want revenge.<\/i> at all. no more threats or promises of cowboy retribution, i can’t swallow<\/i> my hurt is stopping the forward march of freedom, the presupposed progress we determine because we think we have it. we think we can bestow it like parents to children or take it away from the misbehaved.<\/p>\n

what if my younger brothers see the video and demand an explanation. what if they see it and aren’t affected at all. i evoke their youth afraid they will share my nightmares at barely teenaged; i’m afraid with my knowing i will never again be consoled. i am no longer a child founded dumb by adults and their destructive ideologies, trusting they know what’s going on and will figure it out and do the right thing. i am becoming the one who leaves this behind. “this” the reasoning ’cause i don’t want to make sense of that<\/i> emotion i don’t want to feel anything<\/i> after that<\/i> the mess for the future ’cause i don’t know how to clean up a stain that spans continents and cultures, a sea of blood soaking up interests and convictions, neither of which i hold or understand.<\/p>\n

for the first time my humanness stopped me completely, no longer angry that those with so-called authority perpetuate this blame, forcing onto my generation the fiscal responsibility, the moral culpability, and the fucking pain<\/i> of body counts that don’t count, of billions of dollars that don’t exist, and of no possibility of an end given the arrogance we insist is our manifest mandate, our business noble and true. the rage has been disfigured by helplessness\u2014by the images of war cutting through the figures of statistics we don’t see anyway, and i think and feel the gauntlet of horror, of fury, of exasperation and indignation but finally settle on grief. i’m sad. i’m so fucking sad and sick<\/i> I can’t stand sharing a species with those who give the orders, read the statements, pull the triggers, take the pictures and cut off the heads of other humans beings.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

i swore i wouldn’t watch it. the moment i heard it happened, i swore i didn’t want to see. it was linked from a friend’s site. “not safe for work, life, humans” is all it said, and curiosity clicked. when the media player stalled at the opening, i knew immediately this is it but only…<\/span><\/p>\n

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