{"id":5410,"date":"2016-05-15T12:03:42","date_gmt":"2016-05-15T17:03:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/deepsicks.com\/?p=5410"},"modified":"2022-06-18T14:23:08","modified_gmt":"2022-06-18T19:23:08","slug":"the-mockingbird","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/2016\/05\/15\/the-mockingbird\/","title":{"rendered":"The Mockingbird"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today<br>2 get through this thing called life.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1140\" height=\"773\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/disorders_of_the_heartbeatz.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7282\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/disorders_of_the_heartbeatz.jpg 1140w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/disorders_of_the_heartbeatz-768x521.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1140px) 100vw, 1140px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>We adopted Lafitte in January. Those PAWS! That tail. She\u2019s a sweet girl and total monster, escape-artist, stealing food off the counter. We named her after a pirate, so it\u2019s our own damn fault.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Mudcat wasn\u2019t sure at first, then they were besties, now they vacillate between <em>she cool<\/em> and what\u2019s this other dog here for? The very first day Lafitte resource guarded me\u2014warded off Mudcat, to protect, me, from this other dog, <em>my<\/em> dog, my <em>real<\/em> dog, while Lafitte was the stranger. The interloper. On notice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1111\" height=\"767\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Lafitte_yard_sweater.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7290\" title=\"The sweater was gift from the lady who rescued Lafitte from traffic and brought her to the shelter. I wouldn't buy a dog a sweater, certainly not in Texas.\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Lafitte_yard_sweater.jpg 1111w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Lafitte_yard_sweater-768x530.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1111px) 100vw, 1111px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">She has heartworms, and we knew it.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The animal shelter counseled us. Transmitted by mosquito, heartworms are thread-like parasites up to a foot long, clogging her heart and arteries. Doing nothing will kill her, and the treatment might kill her. It\u2019s essentially poison. We poison our dog to kill the worms in a series of three shots\u2014one shot, a month later, two, and immediately the next day, three.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>During and after treatment, we have to keep her calm, her heartrate stable. Weeks of no walks, no playing, no freaking out about thunder or squirrels or strangers in the yard. The worms die quickly but need to dissolve gradually. A pounding heart can cause worm bits to break off and clog her veins and kill her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We got her anyway. She doggy-grinned into our home and hearts. We almost named her Praline for her rich brown fur and <em>oh she is sweet<\/em> but such a stinker. Lafitte fits her better. She also sports a sleek black saddle and a swirl of white at the front of her chest, like the injection site for the cream of an \u00e9clair, over her wormy heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I thought we\u2019d get the treatment over right away, before establishing routine, forming a true pack. I stroked her and said stupid crap like,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">We\u2019ll kill the worms out your heart then you\u2019ll be our Forever Dog.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8230;not wanting to attach too quickly in case, you know. She doesn\u2019t make it. But our first appointment wasn\u2019t till the end of April. Four months of being a family but not too much of a family but sort of a family, but aw hell she\u2019s cute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1200\" height=\"676\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/lafitte_with_racoon.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7289\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/lafitte_with_racoon.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/lafitte_with_racoon-768x433.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-left\">It\u2019s been a rainy spring, one of my favorite things, sitting in the yard and listening to the birds and chimes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/drive.google.com\/file\/d\/0B-okQJ9UO0jSV0doVE5iU2ZHalE\/preview?resourcekey=0-eAgwYVJmcG9sibc_2kxotw\" allow=\"autoplay\" width=\"400\" height=\"150\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We breathe the peace, lush before the heat, before the hordes of mosquitoes though there\u2019s plenty already, before Zika floods Texas and we thank Baby Jesus we made it so hard here to kill broken fetuses, knowing we can fall back on our Child Protective Services. Kids are resilient. <a href=\"http:\/\/www.burntorangereport.com\/diary\/32057\/foster-care-in-texas-worse-than-you-could-imagine\">We know.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We give them different foster families five times a year. We tie them up in basements. We medicate them senseless so they don\u2019t feel emotion when they\u2019re abused and neglected. When their foster siblings rape them, we take careful notes in the victim\u2019s record,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Doesn\u2019t get along well with other children.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cDo you know what kind of bird that is?\u201d No, hon, I don\u2019t. \u201cIt\u2019s a mockingbird. You can tell because it doesn\u2019t have its own song. It just repeats other songs it\u2019s heard.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ah yeah. I knew that. Maybe I knew that. It\u2019s beautiful and chaotic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I slap a mosquito, smear the blood back in, pick up the brittle tiny body still twitching and feed it to our beta fish Muertos.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1200\" height=\"676\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/muertos.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7293\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/muertos.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/muertos-768x433.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>I don\u2019t remember when Carolyn got sick. She didn\u2019t talk about it, and I don\u2019t blame her. The library\u2019s where you lose yourself in work\u2014all the dark shit can take a break. She disappeared for months then came back several weeks in a glossy wig that looked better than the real thing. Folks would come up to the reference desk and compliment her hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">And then she disappeared, again.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Because Carolyn is the reference supervisor, we weren\u2019t allowed to donate to her sick leave\u2014an HR arrangement where we relinquish earned sick hours so seriously ill colleagues who have spent all their own can have a few more days on the payroll. You can&#8217;t donate to your manager. Something about abuse of authority, feeling peer pressure, conflict of interest, blah.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Perception is reality. Perception of fear of perception is insanity, \u2018cause what\u2019s the issue, really? Inter-division suspicion? Faceless citizens seeing corruption? give us a break, we\u2019re all broke up, give us something to do. Give us something to give.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">All our words come out stupid, all our silences too, and it\u2019s all so embarrassing.<br>To be sick. To be dying.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Then we learned she was retiring. Good for her! oh jeez, she\u2019s never coming back. She was getting good at getting on in Library Land. She would say whatever the hell she wanted, to protect our team, to advocate for us, keep us sane and on point in an organization increasingly wanting to be everything to everybody.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She\u2019d say no. She\u2019d cut to the bone, but so gently, so quick, you\u2019d barely know she was being brilliant, that this was vital and what a leader looks like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Thursday at the ref librarians meeting, we watched the annual in-house ethics training video. They\u2019re getting better at it. It\u2019s still cheesy and ham-fisted but with impressive production quality. We laugh and try to take it seriously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Getting a second job because you don\u2019t make enough to live in this city and not telling your boss = not ethical.<\/li><li>Selling your kid\u2019s thin mints and samoas = not ethical.<\/li><li>Donating sick leave to a coworker in need = totally cool.<\/li><li>Donating to your manager dying of cancer = not ethical.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Betsey looks up from her phone. \u201cBryce died.\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2026What? Bryce in IT? Jennifer is struck, \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cBryce died.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Insides clench, turn tight and torrid oh god <em>goddammit<\/em> what the fuck. He was too young, too healthy, just got married, <em>christ <\/em>musta been on his bike, some asshole driver in this traffic-stupid city fuckin killed him. Didn\u2019t know him that well, but still.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201c&#8230;Bryce?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We\u2019ve been in parades together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"913\" height=\"1200\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Meg_and_Bryce_in_parade-913x1200.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7291\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Meg_and_Bryce_in_parade-913x1200.jpg 913w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Meg_and_Bryce_in_parade-768x1009.jpg 768w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Meg_and_Bryce_in_parade.jpg 1000w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 913px) 100vw, 913px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">\u201cNo, <em>Prince.<\/em> Prince is dead.\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Relief floods then wait no <em>what?<\/em> A moment ago I felt punched. Now I feel thrown across the room. Jennifer laughs, \u201cYou thought she said Bryce?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Yeah. I heard it twice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But no. It was just one of the greatest musicians <span style=\"text-decoration: line-through;\">alive<\/span>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1035\" height=\"696\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/prince.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7294\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/prince.jpg 1035w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/prince-768x516.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1035px) 100vw, 1035px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>My Prince stories are secondhand. Never saw him live or just walking around. For all my time at First Ave, I was present only one rumored Purple Alert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">I&nbsp;didn\u2019t see him. Too busy dancing.<br>Maybe he saw me.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>I played basketball with a girl who grew up to make him fancy dinners. Erik went to a party at Paisley Park but left due to nonstop advances from a bouncer. Colin was looking for a sign trying to decide which college to go to when a Prince video came on TV. A few months later I met him at the University of Minnesota.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Living in Minneapolis, Prince becomes part of your DNA, part of your understanding of race and gender and fame and unity, raw talent and eccentricity. Not everybody liked him, but legions did, among them people you&#8217;d never expect, who you&#8217;d pegged as square, uptight. Knowing your cornfed, popped-collar neighbor worshipped Prince is how you knew he was all right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>More than making it cool to be in the middle of the country, Prince made it okay. To not be in New York or LA. To not be a man or a woman. To give love and loyalty without expectation and get it back anyway, always.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">I couldn&#8217;t sing every song, but they&#8217;re in there, deep.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m never there for the Twin Cities&#8217; traumas. The RNC in St. Paul, the bridge that fell down. Over the next days, hours, I was so proud and homesick for my city.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"962\" height=\"624\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Minneapolis_crowd_mourns_Prince.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7292\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Minneapolis_crowd_mourns_Prince.jpg 962w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Minneapolis_crowd_mourns_Prince-768x498.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 962px) 100vw, 962px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1000\" height=\"667\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/purple_bridge.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7295\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/purple_bridge.jpg 1000w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/purple_bridge-768x512.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1200\" height=\"1166\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Rock_Martinez_Prince_memorial.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7296\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Rock_Martinez_Prince_memorial.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/Rock_Martinez_Prince_memorial-768x746.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>But over the next minutes, it was hard to slow my heart. After confirming we\u2019re ethical, we talk about Carolyn\u2019s retirement, what kind of art books we might buy her, as homage, as a parting gift.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She likes Kehinde Wiley. She\u2019s a painter herself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/Keep_Austin_Reading_by_Carolyn_Rogers.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-8318\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Lafitte had her first shot that morning. I come home to a deflated dog, loopy on meds and probably in pain, lethargic end-of-days and the knots bloom again. Just the way she\u2019s lying, how she hides her head, <a href=\"http:\/\/deepsicks.com\/2015\/08\/27\/good-night-sweet-boy\/\">it\u2019s Robin all over again<\/a>, sprawled on the carpet where we put him to sleep and everything&#8217;s too much, I can\u2019t stand it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She perks up the next couple of days and I\u2019m heartened but hate it, she can\u2019t get excited, can\u2019t be her hyper self, she could die. The poisoned corpses of those bastards in her heart, they\u2019re gonna break apart and clot her good girl blood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She\u2019s a hound dog. When she barks, she bawls, she bays, she whines.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">She tells you exactly what she\u2019s thinking, and everything is the worst.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/drive.google.com\/file\/d\/0B-okQJ9UO0jSVEkxWGQ0X0x5NHc\/preview?resourcekey=0-xbm-OQL0iKqNU1dcenETxw\" allow=\"autoplay\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-left\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.legacy.com\/obituaries\/statesman\/obituary.aspx?n=carolyn-jean-rogers&amp;pid=179868540\"><br>Carolyn died that night.<\/a> My colleagues and I learn about it over the weekend so we don\u2019t have to go to work Monday morning and cry in front of everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Cancer\u2019s not supposed to be a death sentence.<br>Or that\u2019s what they tell us.<br>Or what I told myself.<br>Science is gonna save us.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Cancer is chemo and radiation and shitshowdowns with insurance companies, indomitable spirits in frail hairless bodies, middle fingers and throwing up, feeling weird about pity and worse about resilience &#8217;cause no one needs to know how much you can take this, and wearing humor like armor. And then it&#8217;s getting better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Erik got cancer and he tore it up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"instagram-media\" style=\"background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 658px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);\" data-instgrm-captioned=\"\" data-instgrm-version=\"7\"><div style=\"padding: 8px;\">\n<div style=\"background: #F8F8F8; line-height: 0; margin-top: 40px; padding: 50.0% 0; text-align: center; width: 100%;\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<p style=\"margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;\"><a style=\"color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/BCZdZAxHsk9\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Treatment has been a difficult 6 months, but today was my 12th and final chemo. Friends snapped a quick pic after each session. You can almost see the cancer being stripped away, revealing a happier healthier me. Thank you for all of your support. I will shortly wipe your memories.<\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;\">A photo posted by Erik Bergstrom (@erikbergstromrad) on <time style=\"font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;\" datetime=\"2016-03-01T04:56:52+00:00\">Feb 29, 2016 at 8:56pm PST<\/time><\/p>\n<\/div><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p><script src=\"\/\/platform.instagram.com\/en_US\/embeds.js\" async=\"\" defer=\"defer\"><\/script><br><a href=\"http:\/\/www.vice.com\/read\/how-instagram-helps-young-people-cope-with-cancer\">Even Vice agreed<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But I wasn\u2019t ready. I didn\u2019t consider death remote possibility <em>and so what, it&#8217;s not about me<\/em> but it&#8217;s still so heavy, a repertoire of dark hymns. And so I didn&#8217;t prepare myself, whatever comfort \/ strength \/ empty faith \/ stone face that would bring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Justin shares chocolate chip cookie bar things. The next day I bring apple pie. Then Betsey brings cookies, oatmeal chocolate chip.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">All week we eat our grief, fat and sweet.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>2:30 Wednesday morning comes a storm. I usually sleep through them, even when the thunder shakes the whole house. But this time I get up so I can comfort Lafitte and batten down the hatches. The wind is wild, the rain torrential, sheeting off the overhang, drowning potted plants. We left the bird identification book on the table outside, it\u2019s waterlogged ruined, oh well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m about to go to bed when I see a smear of blaze <em>is it possible?<\/em> yes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The tree is on fire.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1200\" height=\"900\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/tree_on_fire.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7298\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/tree_on_fire.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/tree_on_fire-768x576.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>In the next door neighbor\u2019s backyard, it\u2019s on fire, and the rain is unreal <em>but it\u2019s still on fire<\/em> constantly relit from a sparking powerline.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I call 911, cool and efficient. A perk of working in an urban public library, you learn to take control in an emergency. You lock down panic and wishy-washy wonderment <em>maybe it\u2019ll go out, maybe someone else is calling<\/em> shut up indecision and save your family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Lafitte is too alert for my liking. When the firetruck arrives she somehow gets outside but decides pouring rain is no fun and returns. The firefighters stand around, waiting for the breaker to blow, it\u2019s what it\u2019s supposed to do. But it doesn\u2019t. So they put up yellow caution tape and leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The tree is still sparking. The rain, still rushing. Another hour, I can&#8217;t possibly sleep and the fire is getting worse. I slog outside to the neighbor\u2019s yard and watch a glowing ball of fire, hissing, growing, a blazing basketball into the size of a car, engulfing the tree and then <em>pop!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The breaker goes. The sparking stops. The rain puts the tree out. I stand there with my phone in my hand but didn\u2019t get video, because <em>damn<\/em>. That happened right in front of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1200\" height=\"676\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/fire_line_dont_cross.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7283\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/fire_line_dont_cross.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/fire_line_dont_cross-768x433.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>I finally go to bed, beat but can&#8217;t sleep, thinking thunder thoughts of fear and grief, other people&#8217;s stories, again and again. I drag dead tired through Thursday and go to bed early and wake again at 3 AM from the sound of shouts and chainsaws. Arthur and I stir <em>WTF<\/em> is this really happening? They\u2019re clearing the tree <em>now?<\/em> It&#8217;s gotta be a dream. A joke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The dogs pace. We wander to the patio.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The mockingbird screams every song it knows.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>I gather in Lafitte to calm, pressing my palm to her cream in the middle <em>don\u2019t die.<\/em> Please don\u2019t die. Please stay with us and be our friend forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1200\" height=\"676\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/friend_forever-2.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7285\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/friend_forever-2.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/friend_forever-2-768x433.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>A few days later comes a message from Colin, who over the years since I&#8217;ve known him lost his father then his sister then his brother. He says his last sibling has suddenly died.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Then Erik makes a joke about the new growth doctors found on his lung.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em>Enough.<br><\/em>I\u2019m full up.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>I want to stop time and speed it up, backspace out of the whole month, and even these words hide more than they\u2019re healing <em>I\u2019m a shitty friend<\/em> I don&#8217;t know what I&#8217;m doing, and it&#8217;s hubris and futile to tie it all together, heartworms purple rain abused kids and cancer, the mockingbird the burning tree eat the grief what you sow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1200\" height=\"675\" src=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/scared-1200x675.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-7297\" srcset=\"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/scared-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/scared-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/scared-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/scared.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">This is every song I know.<\/h2>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We adopted Lafitte in January. Those PAWS! That tail. She\u2019s a sweet girl and total monster, escape-artist, stealing food off the counter. We named her after a pirate, so it\u2019s our own damn fault.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7281,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[15],"class_list":["post-5410","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-narratives","tag-deepsicks"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5410","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5410"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5410\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8319,"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5410\/revisions\/8319"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7281"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5410"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5410"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/megasimon.com\/d6\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5410"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}